I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
