is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
