And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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