The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
