Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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