I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
