my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize