I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
