the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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