Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
