Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
