he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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