so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
