when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
