So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
