ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
