were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
