Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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