im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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