Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
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I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
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Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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