I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you didnt know i had herpes?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
