you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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