she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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