i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
