He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
