my phone needs a breathalizer
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
