I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
