I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
