i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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