i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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