seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
