is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
