how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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