and you said cock pushups were impossible
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
