i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
