OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
