I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
