omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
and you fell through a lawn chair
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
