I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
