Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
