it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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