hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
porn star boner night. come get it.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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