I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
