i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
