i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
