Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
