shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
