I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
