i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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