she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize