I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
