i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Someone signed my nipple.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
