I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
How does it feel to date your dad?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
