Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
