it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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