Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
