Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
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There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
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Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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