I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
