And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
