In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
