my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
and you fell through a lawn chair
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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