I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
