I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Randomize
