Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
