We're facebook friends in real life
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
