I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
