I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
