Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We need to get me chipped asap
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
