Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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